I’m wide awake and I don’t feel like getting up, so I decided to write-horizontally. Flat.
Recently I have these funny sleeping patterns-typically, there isn’t any reason I can put my finger on. This morning was not the case.

I’ve said this in other entries I’ve written but now more than ever I’m reminded of the sobering truth of just how quickly life brings you elsewhere. Change is inevitable and ultimately so is the pain of a loss. Someone I haven’t spoken to in years wrote to me in the middle of the night after the death of her father. Two words come to mind for me-heartbreaking and honored. Broken for her and reminiscent of the rawness of that pain and honored that she would think I could help. 

For a long while you might stay in your loss. People’s words and kindness most certainly matter, to some extent, but they can’t physically move you from where you are. Tonight I will sit at a table with a group of friends I have acquired through the last two years to celebrate a birthday. People who happened into my world unexpectedly, but thank the lord, exist. Family. Threaded together by commonalities yet so incredibly different, all bringing just the right amount of sanity to ground the others. All of them, I would not have known had my life not taken a new course.  They came about years after my own loss, after transferring home from college, after starting a job completely unrelated to my interests, after meeting a wonderful person I spent three years with, after breaking that off, after being around my neck of the woods all over again. A long way to say…you never really know what will be in your path next. 

Please believe in what you’ll gain when something else just disappears. Slips right through your fingers not matter how feverishly or how desperate you are to hold on to it. For some reason entirely unbeknownst to you, it has to go. 

‘Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.”  ~Buddy Buie and J.R. Cobb
It won’t be easy to keep the faith. The kind of change I’m referring to is earth rattling. The only thing I can offer is the notion and the promise that, it isn’t forever. NOTHING can truly last forever. Not even the deepest of pains. If what you’ve been dealt is not what you planned please know it will change. I don’t mean it gets better-it just gets different. It has to evolve. It needs time to breathe, to settle in, to ripple out, to be. Somewhere along the lines- you make peace with it. Consciously or not. You may have truly not a single say in the matter but to learn to get along with your life otherwise. And you my friend have got everything you’ll ever need to move through it. You are far stronger thank you think. You are a goddamn fortress. Even when you’re broken.

Gain something tiny in every single experience. Whether it’s evident or not your reality is shifting every moment.  Some divine force put those experiences there to help you along your way. You will gain a new strength to your character, new people whom you’d never, ever imagined would be so vital in your world. You will gain confidence that you are heading in the right direction no matter how hard it is to see the other side.  

Hold fast to your memories because no one can ever have them.

I promise your story isn’t over. It’s gained new meaning. 

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