beat

Something urged me to find a new place for my mat-to make room to heal my shattered parts instead of continuing to drown in the mayhem that was everyday life. I listened. When I entered the studio I could feel just the slightest bit of air moving deeper down into my lungs as though to lengthen my body, which had given in to personal neglect and self sacrifice for the sake of others’. It isn’t uncommon for me to put most before myself but this time, after this heartbreak-I was hardly able to move about life without thinking and hurting for it. This was the one that unearthed all the others and made me so deeply sad remembering how they each hurt. This one made me carry the burden of being the one who loved more yet again. And as heartbreak normally can it brought forth pain, anger, confusion and perceived rejection to torture me-relentlessly it blew me over with doubt and spoke fallacies to my mind and heart. So I went to the mat to find the medicine I ached for. I sat and I focused on the light coming in through the windows, spilling from the ceiling all the way to the hardwood floors I sat on. I listened again. That very first time there I was sure that my greatest lesson would be to reawaken to my worthiness. “And as the light poured in, it washed me with warmth and it begged me to believe I was worthy. You are worthy, worthy you are of worldly things but so much more”

I moved through the poses, spoke the mantras as best I could understand them and I let the music in, every single last lyric speaking to my forgotten, poisoned, sad stomach. And it was home. So much so that my body vibrated in connection to this practice. By the end of the class I was crying hard. At first it came as a long, long awaited release but quickly then it was a self soothing and prayer of gratitude for the safety and love in that room. One last time I cried the thoughts “but I can’t just let go, I love them. I loved them both, in different times, for different reasons and they each gave up..they absolutely break my heart even still to this day because my feelings are so genuinely real. what am i going to do dear god someone help me know what to do with myself.” and my answer was the loudest whisper and clearest phrase i’ve ever heard. “so love them” It was so matter of fact and plain-“so go on and love them. it’s who you are and what you do no wonder its so hard to disconnect from what you felt was so real.” I am not easily moved to love like this. It’s become a point of contention for some who don’t understand me…the good news is that I’ve long given up interest in justifying my feelings or lack thereof for romantic partners. If I stop and I love, like that- it’s an out of body experience and one I’ve chosen carefully to take part in. I make no secret about it. I am a madly passionate person when it comes to something I want or believe deep in my belly about. You walk a line when you’re this person-being so widely open and sure of what you feel. It isn’t for the faint of heart.

So love them. Accept that although you no longer share a relationship you choose to think of them in love, like how you found them. Because it will hurt much, much less than the fucking searing pain you’re walking around in right now recounting every blessed second you spent together. Rereading conversations & playing scenario after scenario in your mind with the “absolutes” you’ve imagined that are truthfully, lies. If they chose to love you back with the same fervor and commitment there would be no fraction of room for doubt. But they don’t love you the way you want them to. They love you the way they can. Maybe they do to the best of their own ability and understanding of love. Maybe what the pain really is about is coming to the realization that you don’t and maybe never will love in the same language. Because that’s the hardest thing to know. To be sure that there is love and insanely, otherworldly passion when you meet each and every time, but it doesn’t work between the two of you. That’s the most pain a heart can know. And why would you choose to love him when the chips were down and he attempted to rearrange his life or when the wrath of another woman lay freshly as his wound? Because to me, it is real. I’m not afraid of many things in life and certainly not of love. I don’t believe in dipping my toe to test temperatures. Yet I don’t just leap with abandon. If I’m sure I want to feel a body of water I prepare myself enough reserves to flirt with drowning. I am all in-sink to the bottom, fight your way up, barely make it out alive, pant at the break of air-in. And I’m not sorry for it. As far as I’m concerned it’s the only way to live.

Choosing to exist like this sometimes means you’re alone in your conviction because others might want for you to settle down and hurry up toward your ‘life’. God I’m not interested in settling- not just anywhere or ever for just anything let alone hurrying up for the sake of a timeline. Instead I settle in. I work to settle inside myself, to create the calm and peace that everyone quietly desires. I choose to heal the old wounds while acknowledging and forgiving my faults and the growth which that allows. And truth be told I don’t need to hurry at all. I owe myself all the time the world has to offer because it’s due me just as it is you. For those who feel as though that’s when life truly begins, I just can’t relate. If I hadn’t trusted a much younger version of myself to walk away from a beautiful, strong, healthy relationship at nearly 24 years old I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t have gotten what I need long term. No way I’d be sitting here, writing this piece, loving myself as deeply as I deserve to, being so sure of my life and what’s in store. God has it taken a really long road and numerous beatings to say that. It’s taken the lowest of lows and darkest of places to know the light that exists in my heart-even when it’s felt like the flame was so dim I could hardly believe it was there. Only when you’ve had your heart ripped open time and time again because you were brave enough to use it fully can you say you know love. And whatever you do…keep at it. Put it in every waking moment of every day. Suffocate people with confusion as to how you still can. How you won’t accept their realities or suggested versions of happiness. Cry on the mat, in the car, scream into a pillow if you have to. Know that you will know love by your own choosing. That there is no wasted kind be it past or present- that it resides for a reason and sometimes rationale isn’t needed. You will love as you are meant to and only as deeply as you allow.

Let yourself go so you can come home to your heart. Trust it without a single question more-because it will never be anything but the truth. It’s missed having you safe in it’s presence-living simply and steadily by it’s all knowing beat.

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